Ruysbroek. (1293-1381)

“To comprehend and to understand God above all similitudes, as He is in Himself, is to be God with God, without intermediary, and without any otherness that can become a hindrance or an intermediary. Whosoever wishes to understand this must have died to himself, and must live in God, and must turn his gaze to the eternal light in the ground of his spirit, where the Hidden Truth reveals Itself without means.”

17th Century English mystic, Thomas Traherne.

“No brims nor borders in my self I see,My essence is Capacity.”
“The world was more in me than I in it.”
“Do not your inclinations tell you that the world is yours?”
“You never enjoy the world aright till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars; and perceive yourself to be the sole heir of the whole world.”
“The streets were mine, the temple was mine, the people were mine, their clothes and gold and silver were mine, as much as their sparkling eyes, fair skins and ruddy faces. The skies were mine, and so were the sun and moon and stars, and all the world was mine.”bb
“O the riches of thine infinite goodness in making my Soul an interminable Temple, out of which nothing can be, from which nothing is removed, to which nothing is afar off; but all things immediately near, in a real, true, and lively manner.”

And my favorite Christian Mystic, Meister Eckhart.

“I must become God, and God must become me, so completely that we share the same ‘I’ eternally. Our truest ‘I’ is God.”
“When all things are reduced to naught in you then you shall see God.”
“Become pure till you neither are nor have this or that; then you are omnipresent and, being neither this nor that, are all things.

And Heres a little piece by modern day Christian Mystic, Douglas Harding.

“Awakening to and trusting in God is a letting go, a recognition that theself is not central, not in charge. Normally we live as though it is we whosit on the throne at the centre of our lives, but this is an illusion.Really only God abides here. However, seeing this truth is a kind ofdeath–the deepest of deaths into absolute emptiness. No wonder than that weresist it. Yet the self is not destroyed–it is simply placed, left where itbelongs (and flourishes), acknowledged and loved for what it is from theemptiness at centre. There is nothing wrong in being human, in being anindividual–far from it. The problem arises when we imagine that is what weare at centre. But, wonderfully, something marvelous arises out of this profoundest ofdeaths. As we step into God, leaving ourselves behind on the threshold,though we die to ourselves we are at once reborn into all the world.Awakening to our inner no-thingness we find we are all things. Our deepestbeing is revealed as central to the mystery and wonder of creation. All things flow from here.”

But then it seems that after you have kids of your own and you start to build your own traditions, the joy creeps back in and once again the holidays take on a whole new meaning. I used to consider it a chore to go back and meet with my relatives for the holidays but that has gradually been changing and this last holiday visit was actually a true joy. I cant pin point why exactly. On the surface, nothing has changed, yet somehow I noticed that everything has changed. I began to appreciate my family members and cherished our differences rather than considering them as boundaries. Watching our daughter play with her cousins reminded me of the great times I had with my cousins and everyone just seemed to genuinely enjoy each others company.

I am reminded that for a long time, I considered my family a nuisance of sorts, something that I had to deal with on occasions. Now, I find myself appreciating their respective personalities and cherish the meaningful conversations that we shared and perhaps I dont even see them as family members but simply ‘people that I enjoy’. I am very grateful for this new relationship and I find my self happy for them as well. Thanksgiving isnt even a week behind us and I find myself looking forward to another visit in a couple weeks…now that is a definite first. )

Traditionally speaking, it is always ‘time’ that plays the role of the great barrier. You can hear it echoed through out the songs of generations past and present. George Harrison famously sang to God…”I really want to be with you but it takes so long” or more recently in the popular song by Los Lonely Boys in which they sing “How far is Heaven because i just cant wait much longer”. I can relate to the sentiments that they are expressing as seekers but there is a whole other side of the story that isnt being expressed in these songs. And that is the simple fact that if it was not for the appearance of time, there would simply be nothing at all. No duality = No manifestation period!

The very duality that creates the appearance of a ‘you’ AND a ‘god’ that appears separate from you is the same duality that allows us to love each other, to touch each other, to learn from each other and to create our stories. It is this very duality that provides us with the experience of Being. It is only through time that we discover just who we really really are. It is only through Maya that we are able to experience the magic of music, the majesty of the animal kingdom, the intense emotions and feelings of the body/mind, the carnival of colors and aromas, the dramas of life that tell our history and everything else that has ever happened or can be imagined.

It is this very duality that creates the contrast in life and it is this contrast by which we are able to experience that which we consider to be the ‘good’ things in life. We can not have happy without sad. We can not have pretty without ugly. We can not have peace with out war. We can not have good without bad. We can not have justice with out injustice. One thing is necessarily dependent on its opposite for its own existence so if you pursuit one side of the spectrum, you must know that you are inevitably courting its opposite. (In the Eastern traditions, this is known as ‘turning the wheel of samsara’) Recognizing all opposites to be two sides of the very same coin resolves the duality as they are not seen as ‘two’ any longer but rather one continuum.

So, today, on this Thanksgiving eve, I am moved to give thanks but my thanks is much too big for any specifics. Instead, I am simply grateful for having been at all…

What I found so intriguing was that the kids seemed to adapt to the ‘parent swapping’ really well but each and every adult seemed utterly incapable of understanding the other adults perspective. Each adult seemed adamant that their perspective was somehow the ‘right’ perspective and the other persons to be ‘wrong’ or in need of correcting. The middle american housewife just coud not fathom how the wealthy guy could be so distant from his family both physically and mentally. Meanwhile, the wealthy guy is so completely convinced that she was jealous of his fast lifestyle and could not believe the housewifes insistence that she was not in the least bit interested in what he found to be so valuable.

Over and over again, you would see the same thing. The regimented person insisting on ‘helping’ the laid back folk get with the program of success and meanwhile, the laid back folk are trying to ‘help’ the regimented person to relax and enjoy themselves. The country bumpkin who is anxious to show off his slice of heaven while the city slicker is equally anxious to show off the heart beat of the dazzling city. The democrat trying to enlighten the stupid republican and the republican trying to save the reckless democrats from themselves. Everybody seems so certain that they are somehow ‘right’ and the other guy is ‘wrong’, so, much of public life seems to be about shaping these societal beliefs about what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Perhaps its an attempt to define Reality…I dont know.

My particular perspective is that all perspectives are equal and valid because for all intents and purposes, your perception of reality IS reality. Your perception of the world defines the world for you so you are essentially creating your own reality based on your own thoughts. If your beliefs are such that you are a god-fearing-christian than your perpsective of reality will be drastically different from, lets say, a sufi’s perspective of reality. Their respective beliefs (or lackthereof) will shape radically different views of what Reailty is…of what is actually happening.

Im sure that everyone loves their own perspective and I do as well. One aspect of my perspective that I enjoy is that I see that everyone sees them self as the protagonist in their own story. There are no actual bad guys but only heros for their particular cause. For some, robin hood was a villian but he surely saw himself as a hero. Same deal with hitler, saddam, bush, clinton, the guy who cut you off on the highway, the rat bastards who want to lead us to believe that are function is to be consumers….etc. etc. Each guy is the star of his own movie and he has the belief that he is in the right just as the guy opposite of him thinks that he is in the right.

After enough of having this rubbed in your face, one develops what they call in Zen, “Dont Know Mind”….soon even your own beliefs are reduced to mere crumbling bridges……

What I am wondering now is, “who would be against such an idea?”. It seems to me that the blue and red states should love this plan equally. You want to smoke dope? Well, get out of South Carolina and move to Colorado where you dont get thrown in prison for preferring a joint over a shot of whiskey. You want to live in a state where the kids can take their guns to school so they can hunt afterwards? Well, get out of New York where the gun laws are too strict and move to Arizona where its not uncommon to see guys walking down the streets with guns in their holster. You don’t like the fact that gay people can get married? Well, maybe Massachusetts is not the best place for you…Have you considered someplace further south….Or midwest?

This may sound silly but I think it is more silly to expect a country of our size with all the divergent cultures to share the same values and the same ideas of what should and should not be legislated. How is someone who has never left San Francisco supposed to understand the culture of Mississippi and vice versa. It just seems ludicrous that all of us are supposed to live by each others rules when every one of these rules is bourne solely from a cultural phenomena. So, why secede from the nation when our constitution already allows for us to live as a federation of states making up a United States of America?

I was encouraged by the level of sobriety that was expressed by everyone in that room. The overwhelming sentiment was that we are likely headed for very turbulent times and we will surely be facing much harder times before we see better times. It is times like these that remind me more than ever that we are part of a process that is best examined in a broader context rather than in isolated moments of history. The image that I always come back to is the process of the caterpillar evolving into a butterfly. The caterpillar in itself is perfect just as it is and not lacking in any sense. However, through evolution, this perfect caterpillar naturally enters into the cocooning state which could be a metaphor for what Buddhists refer to as ‘ignorance’ or Christians refer to as ‘darkness’. It is ONLY through this most valuable phase of the cycle that provides for the opportunity for this already perfect caterpillar to naturally evolve into a perfect butterfly. For myself, this is a perfect demonstration of how everything is already perfect just as it is, however, within this perfection, everything seems to be evolving in such a way that reveals an even more expanded dimension of perfection.

Another aspect of the ‘caterpillar’ metaphor that I find relevant today is the fact that it is ONLY through suffering or ‘darkness’ or ‘ignorance’ that provides the caterpillar the opportunity to evolve or expand. In spiritual circles this is commonly referred to as ‘grist for the mill’ or ‘polishing your mirror’. Now, if one were to isolate the cocooning phase of the caterpillars history then one may judge this is a pretty shitty deal. Seen out of its complete context, one may even come to the conclusion that the caterpillar is being punished or that something has gone terribly wrong. Similarly, if one were to witness a birth, he may gather from all the screaming, bleeding, tearing of the flesh, body fluids spilling to the floor and general undertone of violence that this was a most horrible event that is to be avoided at all costs. Yet this very experience is universally agreed to be the most beautiful spiritual experience that one can witness.

It is only through that intense suffering that we are catapulted forward in our spiritual evolution. It is specifically the Winter that will reliably deliver us into Spring….fresh, revitalized and enriched from our experience of the cold dry winter air.

(This post was a continuation from my last one where I am drawing a distinction between pain and suffering)

If we allow for the pain that arises out of our circumstances, then
this pain does not have to become suffering. In Zen, they say, ‘When pain
comes, only pain”. I can only assume that the Buddha understood ‘suffering’
in the same light that I just described. Just look at the first two noble
truths. 1) All human life is suffering and 2) Suffering arises because we
resist the impermanent nature of the world. It sounds like he is also
describing ‘suffering’ as the resistance to ‘what is’. If your tooth hurts
and you allow for the pain then there is no suffering, only the Awareness of
pain. If your tooth hurts and you resist the pain then there is now pain and
suffering. A life free of pain may not be possible or even desirable but a
life free of suffering certainly is. What is even more beautiful about all
this is that even if you find your self unnecessarily suffering, the mere
recognition of this unnecessary suffering liberates you immediately. I can
think of nothing more liberating than the immediate realization or
recognition of your own mistakes.

The Bliss that I was referring to is not the same thing as joy. When I say
‘Bliss’, I am referring to what you wrote below, “Originally, there is
nothing but nothing,”. That ‘original nothing but nothing’ is what I was
referring to as Bliss and that is what we are all living from whether we
resist it or not. That Bliss or Nothing is all there is and that is why I
find the appearance of the world/duality to be so joyous. Maybe the word
‘Bliss’ is misleading in this context but I was moved by the Buddha’s words
when he spoke about what ‘Nirvana’ is? He simply said that ‘Nirvana is the
cessation of suffering’. I loved that because it speaks of the inexpressible
negatively. He said what Nirvana is NOT, which points directly to what it
IS. This speaks to the fact that left alone, we are already Self Perfected.
Left alone, only ‘Nothing’ IS, which for me, is synonymous with Bliss or
‘Being as Nothing’. Since Bliss is what we already are by default, our
perfect expression in the world is joy. But not joy in the manic sense. More
along the lines of what the Buddha said about, “Joyful participation on the
sorrows of life”.

I would teach this my self but I am getting the
feeling that most enjoy and want to seek for the sake of seeking as that is
what they have come to identify with. I get the feeling that when I do this
kind of talk, people are thinking, “if I were to believe that I already am
That or enlightened or liberated etc, then the seeking would have to end and
I would have to accept my present condition”. Well, I guarantee everyone
that your present condition is beautiful and perfect regardless of what you
think. It is only the act of resisting your present condition that makes it
appear to be painful. Left alone, there is nothing but Bliss, resist this
Bliss and that very act of resisting will cause the appearance of suffering.

The next day started out much the same. The Joy that I have been describing is the deep appreciation for Being while knowing that I am not. I had settled very deeply into the Witness which can be described as being the No-thing for Every-thing. Here as the Witness, I am the Space for everything including the world and its all of it’s many processes such as identification. It was around 5pm and we were preparing dinner with our daughter helping us in the kitchen. I had turned to give my wife a hug and as I was hugging her, I heard a loud crash. My daughter had tried to lift a pot of boiling water and she fell to the floor with the pot of boiling water spilling all over her. She was screaming, my wife was screaming so I knew that I had to act as opposed re-act. All I could think was, she is in pain, but we can cut down on unnecessary suffering if we remain calm. I wasn’t sure if the burn was so bad to justify a trip to the emergency room so I called some Urgent Care facilities as I thought they could treat her quicker. We rushed in the car but did not make it in time so we tried the pharmacy that was nearby. As we were walking to the pharmacy, I saw that my daughters eye looked very bad. It had burned off a layer of skin and the whole area was bright red. At this point we knew that she had to be taken to the emergency room.
We live near UVA which is a top hospital so they brought in the whole burn team immediately. After she saw the attending doctor, she saw a plastic surgeon and an ophthalmologist. We must have been there for four hours while she was getting checked out. This whole time, I was living from the Witness or the Void. Not by choice, but because this is all that remains. I took notice of this though out the ordeal and the whole thing was Seen through such sober eyes. I cried but I was also the Witness or the Space for the sadness. I got angry but the anger didn’t last under the sober eyes of the Witness. Amazingly, I also accepted everything as this was now the ‘what is’. This was also the perfect unfolding of Reality. Sometimes, it even seemed surreal, as if I was watching a movie (which is my life) and this is the part where everything turns to shit to see how attached I am to that role and everything involved. I found that I was attached enough to be in pain but unattached enough that I never lost my Presence in Awareness through out the whole ordeal. In the end, they told us that the burns on her arm and stomache were second degree burns and should heal as well as a good sunburn. The ones on her eye, they were not so certain of. They were afraid of scarring which would cause her eye to sag and maybe even demand surgery. So, we were to follow up with appointments with the plastic surgeon.
We told our daughter that everything would heal perfectly and we agreed to assume this for our selves. We didn’t tell anybody as we wanted to be as positive about this as possible until something was known by the doctors. Staying positive proved to be difficult as I had to be at work the next day and being away from her was very hard. The first couple days were Ok as I was pretty stunned by recent events but on Wednesday night, I was feeling a pretty deep pain and this brought about discursive thinking which I had not been accustomed to. Guilt started coming in, resistance started to build and I didn’t even care to be present for it. I began to think that I was being tested and that this was like the story of Jobe. I thought my daughter was going to be scarred for life and this would always be a reminder of my negligence. I didn’t want to do anything but wallow in my pain. Occasionally, I would stop to see if I could still remain Present in Awareness and I found that I could. This didn’t matter because while being Present, I felt Bliss or nothing at all but I didn’t want to abide in that place. I really wanted to suffer. I felt attracted to this suffering, to this resistance of ‘what is’. This pain resulted in me getting a head cold the next day and I spent my last day at work getting sicker.
It was then Friday so I was off for the weekend and I was really looking forward to spending time with my daughter. The dumbness that comes from a head cold sent me right back to where I was before I started indulging in suffering and resistance. I spent the day with my daughter which made me feel very good and after she went to bed I sat out on my back porch reflecting on how much resistance I had been putting up the last couple days. Immediately, I allowed for all that past resistance and it was like it never existed in the first place. I was immediately aware that the Bliss had never left in the first place. It was only ignored so that I could focus on my story or my circumstances. It was absolutely magical. I realized that you can fuck up your whole life but if you unconditionally accept everything with all of your heart then everything is immediately replaced with Love. Soon after this realization, I thought of my daughter again and the pain was still there. I knew that I had to allow for this pain so I decided to go inside the house so I could settle down for a serious session with this pain.
I was reminded of something Nisargadatta Maharaj said about pain. He said that pain is Awareness trying to express itself or something to the effect of Awareness is always expanding and that we resist this expansion. So, I layed on the couch and went very deeply into my pain. I looked for it and welcomed it to express itself as intensely as it wanted. Actually, I was really looking forward to experiencing some deep pain. I wanted nothing more than to feel the pain that I knew was there. The very act of allowing for the pain was immediately liberating and the pain became joy. As I allowed for the pain to express itself, I actually saw it (eyes closed) rising up out of my heart like a wave form and I felt like I was on a drug hallucinating all of this. As the pain (wave form) rose up, joy filled my heart and as it peaked, I shouted (nonverbally) “She is Healed”, picturing her with a healthy face. I went back to look for more pain and repeated this process four or more times until there was no more pain to be found. I knew at once that I had discovered something amazing. Nisargadatta Maharaj was right. Pain is just our resistance to the expansion of Awareness. Awareness is impersonal and it’s nature is to expand. Allowing for this expansion manifests as Bliss and resisting this expansion manifests as suffering.
The very next day her scab had lifted a little under her eye and what we saw underneath looked very healthy. I knew at that moment that she was healed and even if she wasn’t, I took comfort that what ever she was to suffer, it would only be my suffering as we shared the same ‘I’. The following day, we were playing rough on the couch and a big piece of the scab fell off to reveal healthy and flat skin. My wife saw it and was amazed. She said that the doctors were going to be shocked that it healed so well and so fast. They told us that the skin may bubble up if the contusion was deep and this would cause all kinds of complications. But her skin looked so well that my wife wondered if we still need to bother with the follow up this Tuesday with the plastic surgeon. We will still go for the sake of following up but today when she got home, the rest of her scab was gone and everything healed perfectly. Words can not express just how much I appreciate my daughters existence and all the joy her companionship brings me.
It has dawned on me what all this is about. It’s not about enlightenenment, awakening, liberation or anything like that. Life is simply about allowing. To be allowing of everything is to already rest in peace. The Spiritual path is about a new relationship to Life. To live as an Open channel so that Life could freely move through you. To be Open is to be Loving. To be Loving is to be Allowing. The Joy that has been expressing itself through me these last three weeks was nothing more than the expansion of impersonal Awareness. The Bliss is sure to pass as all things come to pass but these various states of being are not what we are anyway. What we are is the Witness of these various states. We are the Space for Bliss, we are the Space for suffering. To be the Witness is to be Love. To be Love is to be Open. The perfect expression of our true nature is to be nothing more than the allowing of ‘What is’.

The intensity of what I expressed in that letter has been growing rapidly and this whole weekend has been so profound that I can hardly contain myself. Thursday we went to the fair and the first ride I went on with my daughter sparked something that has been growing day by day. I am on this ride and I immediately become aware of how WONDERful it is to experience THIS. I have always rode the rides as ‘marc’ but Thursday it was GOD that was riding that ride and I was friggin ecstatic that as God, I could experience the beautiful colors and lights that danced around me, the spontaneous songs of Joy that blared from the loudspeakers, the rush of the ride taking me around and around at an amazing speed. Life is a Celebration indeed and I was so happy to participate in the many splendors that are offered in duality. I could feel my daughters love as she kissed my cheek. I could appreciate her holding on to me as this was her first scary ride. I could express this Joy to my wife. I could smile at others brightly and let them know that there is a deep connection that is rarely spoken of. Life has been nothing short of magical since ‘marc’ has yielded to God.

(The following post was a response to a question about the difference between personal and impersonal Awareness.)

Once you realize that, as Awareness, you are All-there-Is, then the world including ‘Joe’ is recognized to be appearing inside of You. This is where the Celebration begins. To BE while knowing that you are NOT is the greatest Joy as it is God’s Joy, the Joy of Being.

(In this post, I was pointing out how two statements, by another forum member, may have seemed to contradict each other, but were in fact, complimentary.)

The beautiful part is that you can’t do it wrong. What could possibly go wrong? There has never been a problem prior to thinking. You want to seek, seek. You want to renounce I AM THAT, renounce it. You want to find fault, find fault. You want to resist what is, resist. You want complication, then make complication. You want two, make two. As the Supreme Source with all of its manifestations, you can do what ever you want because all of this is Lila. Why not play?****

(The following was written to assist another conference member who was having difficulty in expressing his realization that he was alone/all one. The first paragraph was taken directly from my personal journal and the second part was written specifically for that discussion group)

Thursday we went to the fair and the first ride I went on with my daughter sparked something that has been growing day by day. I am on this ride and I immediately become aware of how WONDERful it is to experience THIS. I have always rode the rides as ‘marc’ but Thursday it was GOD that was riding that ride and I was friggin ecstatic that as God, I could experience the beautiful colors and lights that danced around me, the spontaneous songs of Joy that blared from the loudspeakers, the rush of the ride taking me around and around at an amazing speed. Life is a Celebration indeed and I was so happy to participate in duality. I could feel my daughters love as she kissed my cheek. I could appreciate her holding on to me as this was her first scary ride. I could express my Joy to my wife. I could smile at others brightly and let them know that there is a deep connection that is rarely spoken of. Life has been nothing short of magical since ‘marc’ has yielded to God.
What I wanted to express to Threedrom was that I know what it means to know that you are the only One. I know how AWEsome that realization is and how one could never shake that once he has Seen it. I have written about my past experiences concerning this ‘aloneness’ on this list so I wont repeat my self but what Threedrom is describing is not egotistical at all. The ego recoils in fear at the overwhelming intensity of the aloneness that is experienced in those brief moments of clear Seeing so I can’t imagine this insight being desirable for the ego. What I wanted to share with Threedrom is my feeling that you can only know who you are and beyond that, it is mere beliefs. Knowing that you are the only ‘I’ is the only thing that you can know in the Absolute sense and after that, we make up our own stories. Liberation is knowing that you are not the story that I have called ‘marc’. Marc appears in me. I have no interest in ascertaining any other truths such as is it real or unreal. Free will vs. Determinism. One vs. many etc. It is so completely irrelevant to the Bliss that you are that I just wanted to convey to Threedrom that beliefs are just that, beliefs. You can know that you are the one and only I, that much you can be sure of. But beyond that, you are merely projecting beliefs if you say that other people exist or they are dream characters. Either one is simply a belief and I say, why add anything to ‘What-Already-Is’? I take everything at face value and I have no beliefs what so ever. People talk to me and so I talk back. I don’t question whether they are real or not as all I need to know is that they appear as what-IS. That is what is being presented to me and I accept it for what it is which is the Noumenal. If a tree were to talk to me, I wouldn’t hesitate to talk back as it expressed a desire to connect with me. Heck, if my chair were to tell me its life story than I would lend it my ear as it too is the Noumenal. I have no more beliefs or ideas about the world. It is as it is and I accept it for what it is.

(The following was written to clarify that what I termed as the ‘suicide mission’ was not actually a mission or anything intentional at all but rather what I found to be the culmination of the natural evolving process in Life where the self (ego) ultimately yields to the Self (universal Soul) )

Since my experience, I don’t really know what ‘annihilation’ means anymore. It’s all just words and ideas. A week after my Realization, I was responding to a post to someone and I was contemplating the answer when one thing led to another and I suddenly became aware that I had no identity. But it was actually even deeper than that because I realized that I never had an identity to begin with. Nothing was annihilated as nothing was ever there in the first place. What I recognized was that, what I had previously thought of, as an identity was merely a process of identifying. There was never a fixed object called ‘marc’. Instead, there is a process in Awareness called identifying and as long as that identifying takes place; an identity will appear to exist. When identifying stops, ‘marc’ stops and that is what I called death or Void or annihilation. To movement, stillness is death and vice versa. That is why movement cannot know stillness and vice versa.

I’ll just try to get to the essence of what I have been trying to communicate. I think, that with you being a Christian, we can find a solid base to agree on. One thing that we both agree with from the very start is that, by definition, God or Godhead is the greatest most superior and supreme source of everything. OK, well thats it. We agree on everything as that is all I believe. That is the sum total of all my beliefs.
As a result of that belief, I surrendered my life to God who I used to like to call by nickname, “buddha nature”. I Loved and trusted God so much that I wanted to be closer to God than I was to my self. I gave my life to God one day, I mean really truly handed it over and gladly. This wasn’t because some one told me about God or I fell on hard times so I had to do it. This was a spontaneous longing that could not be denied. I knew that by definition, God is Infinite so therefore everywhere, all the time. So I just looked for him in the same spot everyday which was the Here and Now. I figured that it would be that much easier for God to find me if I stayed Still in the same spot everyday which is Stillness itself.
I enjoyed the practice of staying Still waiting for God to find me becuase Stillness was silent, boundless, borderless, dimensionless, timeless and crystal clear. I waited so many years in that sweet beautiful Stillness waiting for God to show up but nothing else ever showed. One day, out of the clear blue sky, something told me to look behind me and when I did, I saw that God was behind me the whole time looking through my eyes. I did not exist as such anymore, because what I thought to be me was just God hiding from itself by moving around and thus folding itself up in itself creating pockets of God interacting with other pockets of God.
It was realized that when I move, I appear to be a person in the world, but when I am Still, I am God alone. See, for your self right now. Walk around or move your arms around in front of your face and notice if you are Still or moving. If you take your self to be a person than you will feel like you are moving but if you Realize that you are actually God, then you will recognize that you are absolutely Still and that you have never moved an inch your whole life although your arms and legs sure move alot. Douglas Harding quoted Aristotle in this context saying “God is the unmoved mover of the world”. Isn’t that what you are if you tell your self the Truth?
No wonder no one can ever find God, we were all taught to be on the look out for an ‘other’ or an ‘else’. It never occurred to us that God WAS that Stillness the whole time even though the clues were there. After all, the Stillness is silent, boundless, borderless, dimensionless, timeless and crystal clear. It is our Primordial nature and as such, it was so obvious that we looked right past our selves. Since God is everywhere, everything and at everytime, it is impossible to find That while looking for particulars.
So, Curi, I hope you see that when I say that you are the pen or that hitler is worthy of my love, I only say this because I know that there is only God. Therefore god is the pen and God is Hitler. There are NO enemies. Everything is to be loved as everything is God. I love you as I know that you are God/I behind that appearance. I know it is, I really truly Know it. So do you. Remember?

8-20-02

8-15-02

I just got the most startling realization a few weeks ago. Some of you may
have noticed that in my writings, the subject of dying has been a common
motif. Well, this is a result of the realization that I am about to share
with this group. I have come to understand in the deepest sense that this
whole spiritual journey is nothing less than a suicide mission. The fact
that it is a suicide mission may seem disturbing enough but this is
compounded by the fact that the mission seems to happen with no volition of
our own. In other words, it appears that we are not entities at all but
merely a functioning in Awareness that reminds me of a psychological
mechanism that is always in the process of ‘winding down’ or unraveling
until nothing remains except Awareness.
As our egos develop, we begin a search for pleasure or entertainment. We
start out (as egos) getting pleasure out of simply eating and being
sheltered and then work our way up through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,
seeking love and acceptance from others and of our self and then finally
self-actualization. It is at this point that our pleasure or entertainment
comes via the spiritual path. So, even the spiritual path becomes part of
the ego’s game. It has wound down enough that it no longer gets the same
pleasure that the previous stages once provided then this feeling that
‘something is missing’ naturally brings it to what it considers to be the
ultimate reward which is the spiritual path.
This may sound gloomy but it is actually perfect as you are just giving the
ego more rope to hang itself. You see, once you get to the end of the
spiritual path, it becomes all about transcending the ego. Now the ego,
insanely enough, will even try to make this its own but I just discovered
that there is a point in which all is understood, thereby exposing the ego
for the farce that it is or rather revealing it to a mere functioning of the
Totality.
Since this discovery, I have found my self in a very precarious position.
Having understood very clearly that all there is is Awareness to such a
degree that ‘marc’ is exposed as being fraudulent, I realize that I, as
‘marc’, has to die and what’s worse is that I have to be the one to pull the
proverbial trigger. This is now being demanded of me but I came to realize
that I do not want to go away right now and that should be expected, as this
is the nature of ego. Some days I feel like the movie has ended but I am
just refusing to leave the theatre. That is why I have been writing so much
while at work. I feel that if ‘I’, as ego, just gets this out of my system
then I can make that final cut.
Its really tough though because when I approach that place, I always get the
fear that I will leave some babbling invalid for my wife to take care of. I
think that this may actually be the case but only for a while. Once I die
and get out of the way then this new life will be born and get adjusted to
the mind/body organism. I feel a lot better about this since Bodhisat sent
us that Rumi quote about ‘something new being born’. Before that, I didn’t
know how to interpret that feeling that I was going to disappear and leave
some ‘nothing’ for my family to deal with. But that quote expressed what I
had been going through so perfectly. “Once you have undergone the
annihilation.. At that moment, an entirely new being is born..” That is why
I felt like I was going to leave behind a “babbling invalid” or a “nothing”.
That is how my ego interpreted a new being or a ‘baby’ being born in ‘my’
place.
I ‘m still not completely of the hook. I also have a six-year-old daughter
that I am very very attached to. I am also attached to my wife but I don’t
have that added dimension of being her caretaker. On a certain level I
realize that I have to surrender my daughters fate to the Infinite but that
is very much easier said than done. I have come to terms with the fact that
the one thing that I cannot let go of is my daughter. I know she is not
actually my daughter but she does a damn good job convincing me that we are
two. And I say enlightenment be damned, I would do anything for her.
I have contemplated what I would do if we die together. Do I do as the
masters teach which is to recognize all visions as projections from my own
mind, which is Buddha’s Mind and just let everything go. No, I have actually
decided that if we die together, than I would use my ignorance and retain
enough of my individual awareness to meet up with the energy that I take to
be her and make sure she makes it all right. (Before I got too deep into the
nondual teachings, I was really into the Monroe Institute and I learned how
to do all that OBE and soul retrieval stuff) Who knows, maybe if we do die
together, I will get so caught up in the Infinite, that the very recognition
of who I really am will negate any plans that I had as ‘me’.
So, this is where I am right now. I know that ‘I’ must go, to allow for That
which is pushing through but “I’ doesn’t want to go so quick. It is still
dumbstruck by the shock of realization. The fact that the ‘I’ has been
revealed, exposed and completely emasculated makes it very obvious that the
damage has already been done and the ego has actually been very quiet since
this understanding. It’s like ego was chasing the ultimate Truth or
understanding so it could have it or possess it but when it finally caught
up to it, it turned out that it cant EXPERIENCE Truth, it can only BE Truth.
But being Truth necessarily entails that ego dies, so it is a bit like music
seeking its whole life to hear absolute silence. Now imagine the look on
music’s face when it finally finds itself descending into the much sought
after silence. I can picture it now.
” ahh finally.. this is going to be great… hmmmm…. oh crap…. but
I thought… oh, I SEE.. –gulp– ..

So, once again, taking our selves to be part of the world, we can never
approach the Truth with out facing certain annihilation.
I hope this doesn’t come off as gloomy. It is actually very liberating. The
Truth is that we have always been Liberated as there has never been any
bondage to begin with. We already are complete and Self perfected. Were just
doing a damned good job pretending otherwise. Like actors in a play who are
so good that they have taken their roles to be actual. pretty cool eh?
c ya marc

(This was an introduction that I made to a private discussion forum and I incude it here as it will be an important reference point for the rest that will follow. “Salvia divinorum is an extraordinary herb used in shamanism, divination, healing, meditation, and the exploration of consciousness.” For more information on Salvia Divinorum, see http://www.sagewisdom.org/ )

OK, since my last entry, I did keep my pact to stop thinking for about a week and the next week, I eased up and the next week, I had to admit that I was right back in the role of the thinker. I didn’t seem to mind as it appeared that things were just happening and that I had little (or none whatsoever) control of even how I felt. Motivation seemed to come and go of its own volition. Inspiration was seen to come not from ‘me’. I saw that pain was my friend and my insurance policy that I would never stray to far away from my connection. I looked back at my diaries and noticed a definite ebb and flow that seemed to be pretty consistent. Three or four months in sync with what is followed my two or three months of struggling with what is. Then I come to Ramesh Balkesar who confirms what I had suspected and adds a dimension or depth that makes the understanding so deep that now I
can sense the death that awaits behind the ‘I’. Of course this is only seen
as death to the ‘I’ and once the ‘I’ yields to what is, it will be seen that
there could be no death as there is nothing to die but even this recognition
will never take place as there is no one to recognize it. It is becoming
painfully obvious that there is no ‘me’, there is only a process that
Consciousness has identified with to the point of taking itself as the
Subject to be an object. What ‘I’ sense to be death is merely understanding
that the supposed or false ‘subject’ is actually just another object in the
actual Subject which is simply impersonal Consciousness witnessing the play
of subject-object relationship.

Something has happened in the last few days but I cant and don’t even
desire to formulate an idea of what it is. I am understanding that all there
is, is Consciousness and it feels like this understanding is killing ‘me’. I
have a great desire to meet Ramesh Balkesar and this is something that I
have not felt before. Perhaps this is also ego but nevertheless, the desire
is there. I’m not sure if I will be writing much. So, I want to jot down
some insights that I have been getting over the last couple of months.

~ I had a dream that I was someone else and I accepted that reality
unequivocally, which reminded me that we accept that which is presented to
us as ‘real’ including our own lives.

~ God evolves through us as entities in a leapfrog manner. Like an already
perfect caterpillar who cocoons itself and reawakens as a butterfly. God is
the butterfly, cocoon.etc. and we as entities are the cocooning process. The
cocoon is ignorance.

~ Lying in bed, I experienced the image of looking behind me to discover long
forgotten friends waiting at a table for me who say, “wow, I thought you
would never come away from that thing.” All along, I was staring into a
monitor/screen that I took to be reality.

~ Everything is real but we only have partial seeing which creates ignorance
or incomplete seeing. We only see partially because we are folded up like an
accordion. That is why we appear to be separate, because of the folds. The
One manifests as the many through the folding of itself. The folds create
the opportunity for the One and only to see itself. So, the illusion is not
to say that the world does not exist. Instead, it is to say that it is not
what it appears to be, what we take to be the world is an incomplete
picture.

~ All thoughts are a struggle to protect ones self.

~ We are either in a state of desire/fear or gratitude. Desire/fear is closed
Awareness and gratitude is open Awareness. Bhakti yoga – Gratefulness to
Guru creates openness immediately. It feels best to give to God.

~ Attention turned outwards is the mind and attention turned inwards is the
Self. All is Awareness pointing in different directions.
Thinking is measurable space and Being is dimensionless space.

~ I am a dimensionless point of Awareness being bombarded with many sensory
perceptions, primarily sight (movie screen) and sound (internal dialogue). I
have become hypnotized by these perceptions and have identified with them
creating a false ‘I’.

~ Colors are happening in shapes and sounds are happening in durations. Shape
and duration refer to the space and colors and sounds refer to clarity.

~ Awareness focused on experience is the contraction of Awareness or
attention. Like a flat piece of paper gets folded when pressure is applied,
which creates a seeming meeting of two pieces of paper, which in actuality
are the same piece of paper. Awareness as it is could be represented by a
dot and the focusing of attention would stretch the point and create a fold.

~ Backing up our attention all as far back as we can places everything inside
of who we really are. Get behind the thoughts and see that they are in you.
Get behind you (as an individual) and see that you are inside who you really
are. Back up all the way until there is no one left to back up.

~ The pattern of everything appears to be of an oscillating nature.
In Brahman there is the alternating between Brahman of day and Brahman of
night.
In Atman there is the alternating between the incarnate phase and the
discarnate phase.
In Life there is the alternating between the waking state and the sleeping
state.
In our daily lives there is the alternating between thoughts and silence.
So, we must be alternating infinitely between ‘here’ and ‘there’ in each
passing moment.
This seems more obvious when we consider such principals such as ‘As above,
as below’ or the model of an Holographic Universe which suggests that
everything is a fractal of the whole such as our DNA which is one part that
contains all the information of the whole. As the Buddha said, “The entire
universe is contained in a tiny grain of sand”.

~ Evolution of Brahman is not a contradiction if one considers the Brahman of
day (which is Brahman plus the world) and the Brahman of night (which is
Brahman alone). Although Brahman alone (night) is absolutely unchanging and
untouched by the measurement of time/space, the Brahman of day is evolving
in time/space, which makes Brahman as a whole evolving itself. The whole is
the yin and the yang. The Primordial yin watches the changing yang evolve.
This itself is the evolution of the whole. Changes happen in the unchanging.

~ The path to realizing your liberation is practicing liberation. So being who
you really are is the path and the goal.

~ Being gets deeper by losing itself to watching.
1) Be -Do nothing.
2) Watch- Observe mind.
3) Practice Being.

~ The practice of looking for you basic experience.
1) Do nothing.
2) Notice your thoughts and just watch them with out following them.
3) Upon your watchful attention to your thoughts, they will disappear and
when they do, notice the gap or the silence. This empty space is Pure Naked
Awareness.
4) When your mind moves again, watch the thoughts until they disappear and
continue to watch the fertile void give birth to next thought. Just pay
attention to the silence and watch for the movement, as a cat would watch a
mouse hole. Repeat this a few times.
5) Look for your self in the silence or empty space between your thoughts.
Look for what your basic experience is. What you feel at your basic and core
being.

~ The world is whole and complete as a single film cell is whole and complete.
Everything is morphed or fused together just like a single film cell. The
picture is one and whole as everything in the picture is inseparable or just
colors in shapes bleeding into other colors in shapes creating a canvas that
is covered in paint from bottom to top. The shapes of colors only give the
impression of separation but it is the paint itself that keeps everything as
one.

~ We always have the choice of Being rather than indulging in the mind. We are
tempted to succumb to the allure of the stream of thoughts. They come as a
form a of bait and we cant help but to indulge in them because we find the
identification process to be rewarding. Thinking feels good and Being feels
scary, like dying or losing all your memories. Being or the Void feels like
you will lose your self for good and never being able to find that
personality again. We are hypnotized by the movement of the mind and all the
entertainment that it brings. We seek pleasurely distraction because we are
addicted to this movement away from ourselves. Anytime we want, we could
rest in Being but we really don’t want to, we would rather lose our selves
in mind. But it does not matter because we will eventually become sick of
the ceaseless activity of the mind and all of its distractions. Then we will
seek silence and Being more and more which means losing our selves to the
distractions of the mind less and less until we completely let go of mind
altogether and simply rest in our Eternal Being.

~ Being is our primordial nature. Before looking, one simply is.

~ Everything disappears upon close examination such as the mind, thoughts,
feelings, our identities, the stars, planets, organisms, cells, atoms,
quarks etc. Look for your self and you will find nothing, look for
thoughts, you will find nothing, look for an object and you will find
nothing.

~ Awareness is the Supreme Source and Witness of everything simultaneously.
Awareness can only be aware of itself since as the totality/infinite,
nothing can exist outside of it.
No nouns, just verbs. No thinker or thoughts, just thinking.

~ Awareness can only be realized when the I dies.

~ We and everything else are mere processes or phenomena of Consciousness.

~ Promote the right side of our brains by practicing looking through our right
eyes and feeling with our right side. Our left side of the brain has been
dominant and this is the thinking or chattering side. The left and the right
comprise the One. The Duet of One.

~ Dualists speak of creation, nondualists speak of the one appearing as many.

~ Reality as a pendulum. Stillness of the pendulum is God. Movement of the
pendulum is the world or us as individuals. We can not grasp stillness
because we are movement. When we stop to grasp stillness then we are no
longer and so there is no one to grasp it. When stillness comes, we cease to
be as we are merely movement. We are the act of evolution or the swinging of
the pendulum (god). The pendulum betters itself through movement such as a
caterpillar betters itself by cocooning itself (darkness, ignorance) then
reawakening as a butterfly. In order for us to recognize Stillness, we need
to practice Stillness. So that when our bodies die, we will recognize God to
be us.

~ Subject/object are a continuum. There is no Subject and an object, there is
only Subject/object.

~ Base- All there is is Infinite Awareness.
Path- As Awareness, it is aware of all there is which is Awareness itself.
Fruit- Awareness of Awareness. Subject/object.
Ignorance is when the object or that which Awareness is Aware of is taken to
be something else other than Awareness. The ‘I’ is created by the illusory
split created by ignorance.

~ God is Awareness of Awareness. So, when it is said that you lose god, what
you are actually losing is Awareness of Awareness. That is why to find god,
you must merely be a witness. Watch the watcher and keep backing up your
attention until you become the most fundamental backdrop to everything. We
have forgotten who we really are so we must look for our selves. Abide in
Presence. Tend to Am ness.

~ The ultimate irony is that when ‘I’ reach the end of the spiritual path, it
turns out that all that ‘I’ need to do to is merely drop the ‘I’ and only
God will remain. So, it is the ‘I’ that seeks the Truth but the Truth can
only be revealed when the ‘I’ dies.

~ This is where I find my self now. Like a deer caught in the headlights of
that which it was pursuiting. I find my self staring into the Infinite
realizing the truth that all that is left for me to do is to simply die. As
long as ‘I’ am, realization can not be. Which will it be?

Today was the first day of my experiment with deliberately engaging in
Being. I have gone through some shifts in my life but they have always come
from outside and have therefore never been deliberate. Last year was the
first time that one of these more major shifts came with out the outside
assistance of Hemi-sync, salvia or some fluke associated with a powerful
meditation. But this year I think that the lesson may be in actually
instigating a powerful wave my self with out any outside help. Every year
has been more profound than the one before ever since I went to TMI in the
early spring of 1999 so I suspected that this year was going to be intense
if it was to approach or exceed the exceptionally profound year that I had
last year. I actually started this experiment the first of May and was very
successful for the first week but then we went to Maryland for a weekend and
my life has been so hectic since then that I never picked it up again until
now. Before I go any further, I should bring this journal up to date.

Today is the first day of my commitment to being present. I will practice
presence as if I am digging my self out of a concrete prison with nothing
more than a spoon. Every day, I will spend every available moment widdling
away at the wall that serves as a barrier to the final liberation that is
awaiting me. The way I look at it is that I just have a very bad habit,
which is thinking, and I just need to have the courage and the earnestness
to break this habit. To just Be. No boundaries, no borders, no obstacles and
no problems. Just This!

I decided to title this blog; “Suicide letters” because these journals are a chronical of one year where a most profound process of Self-inquiry slowly revealed how this type of ‘spiritual practice’ is tantamount to what I called a ‘suicide mission’. (For reasons that will be evident after reading the first few web logs) I use the term ‘spiritual practice’ very loosely because in common parlance, the term ‘spiritual practice’ has come to denote a path or a process by which a person works to cultivate what he considers to be the spiritual aspect of himself. Generally speaking, ‘spiritual practice’ has come to center around such activites as meditation, prayer, yoga, contemplating the ancient texts, experiencing transcendental states, living by a moral code etc. So, I hesitate to label the process of Self-inquiry as a ‘spiritual practice’ because this particular investigation consists solely of looking for WHO it is that is experiencing such things as ‘spiritual practice’ and the myriad of other experinces that come and go through out life. You may say that Self-inquiry is simply an investigation into that which is the one constant for the continually changing world. This blog is simply one particular story of practicing Self-inquiry.