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Wednesday October 15th 2003, 9:42 pm
Filed under: General
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Wow! Well, I have just gotten into Ramesh Balkesar’s stuff and it isbeginning to dawn on me that what I am seeking is my own death (as an ‘I’). I know that I have understood this before but as many times before, I am beginning to understand the same teachings but on a much deeper level. For instance, I always thought that the story about the vagabond who was sitting on a bag of gold or the Zen story about the man on the mule seeking for the mule was a metaphor that I already ‘have’ what I am seeking but now I see that the bag of gold or the mule are misleading metaphors because I do not ‘have’ that which I seek but I AM that which I seek. The seeking IS the seeker seeking itself. Consciousness is seeking itself through a mind body organism that it has become grossly identified with. So, it is not even the body mind organism that seeks the seeker or the source but it is the Source itself that is seeking itself but it can never ever find itself because it is looking for ‘an’ other which can never exist as all there is, is Consciousness or the Source itself. I wonder if it is like a drunk person getting dressed up in a clown suit and becoming so identified with the role as a clown that he takes him self to actually be this clown. He sees a picture or himself and is reminded of how much he loves and misses this person that he takes to be someone else (as he is thoroughly convinced that he is this clown) and he begins to look for this person never finding him because the very act of seeking asserts his false identity of being a clown instead of that which he is actually seeking. He is the sought but he just can’t recognize it because he has become so identified with his appearance as the clown.

OK, since my last entry, I did keep my pact to stop thinking for about a week and the next week, I eased up and the next week, I had to admit that I was right back in the role of the thinker. I didn’t seem to mind as it appeared that things were just happening and that I had little (or none whatsoever) control of even how I felt. Motivation seemed to come and go of its own volition. Inspiration was seen to come not from ‘me’. I saw that pain was my friend and my insurance policy that I would never stray to far away from my connection. I looked back at my diaries and noticed a definite ebb and flow that seemed to be pretty consistent. Three or four months in sync with what is followed my two or three months of struggling with what is. Then I come to Ramesh Balkesar who confirms what I had suspected and adds a dimension or depth that makes the understanding so deep that now I
can sense the death that awaits behind the ‘I’. Of course this is only seen
as death to the ‘I’ and once the ‘I’ yields to what is, it will be seen that
there could be no death as there is nothing to die but even this recognition
will never take place as there is no one to recognize it. It is becoming
painfully obvious that there is no ‘me’, there is only a process that
Consciousness has identified with to the point of taking itself as the
Subject to be an object. What ‘I’ sense to be death is merely understanding
that the supposed or false ‘subject’ is actually just another object in the
actual Subject which is simply impersonal Consciousness witnessing the play
of subject-object relationship.

Something has happened in the last few days but I cant and don’t even
desire to formulate an idea of what it is. I am understanding that all there
is, is Consciousness and it feels like this understanding is killing ‘me’. I
have a great desire to meet Ramesh Balkesar and this is something that I
have not felt before. Perhaps this is also ego but nevertheless, the desire
is there. I’m not sure if I will be writing much. So, I want to jot down
some insights that I have been getting over the last couple of months.

~ I had a dream that I was someone else and I accepted that reality
unequivocally, which reminded me that we accept that which is presented to
us as ‘real’ including our own lives.

~ God evolves through us as entities in a leapfrog manner. Like an already
perfect caterpillar who cocoons itself and reawakens as a butterfly. God is
the butterfly, cocoon.etc. and we as entities are the cocooning process. The
cocoon is ignorance.

~ Lying in bed, I experienced the image of looking behind me to discover long
forgotten friends waiting at a table for me who say, “wow, I thought you
would never come away from that thing.” All along, I was staring into a
monitor/screen that I took to be reality.

~ Everything is real but we only have partial seeing which creates ignorance
or incomplete seeing. We only see partially because we are folded up like an
accordion. That is why we appear to be separate, because of the folds. The
One manifests as the many through the folding of itself. The folds create
the opportunity for the One and only to see itself. So, the illusion is not
to say that the world does not exist. Instead, it is to say that it is not
what it appears to be, what we take to be the world is an incomplete

~ All thoughts are a struggle to protect ones self.

~ We are either in a state of desire/fear or gratitude. Desire/fear is closed
Awareness and gratitude is open Awareness. Bhakti yoga – Gratefulness to
Guru creates openness immediately. It feels best to give to God.

~ Attention turned outwards is the mind and attention turned inwards is the
Self. All is Awareness pointing in different directions.
Thinking is measurable space and Being is dimensionless space.

~ I am a dimensionless point of Awareness being bombarded with many sensory
perceptions, primarily sight (movie screen) and sound (internal dialogue). I
have become hypnotized by these perceptions and have identified with them
creating a false ‘I’.

~ Colors are happening in shapes and sounds are happening in durations. Shape
and duration refer to the space and colors and sounds refer to clarity.

~ Awareness focused on experience is the contraction of Awareness or
attention. Like a flat piece of paper gets folded when pressure is applied,
which creates a seeming meeting of two pieces of paper, which in actuality
are the same piece of paper. Awareness as it is could be represented by a
dot and the focusing of attention would stretch the point and create a fold.

~ Backing up our attention all as far back as we can places everything inside
of who we really are. Get behind the thoughts and see that they are in you.
Get behind you (as an individual) and see that you are inside who you really
are. Back up all the way until there is no one left to back up.

~ The pattern of everything appears to be of an oscillating nature.
In Brahman there is the alternating between Brahman of day and Brahman of
In Atman there is the alternating between the incarnate phase and the
discarnate phase.
In Life there is the alternating between the waking state and the sleeping
In our daily lives there is the alternating between thoughts and silence.
So, we must be alternating infinitely between ‘here’ and ‘there’ in each
passing moment.
This seems more obvious when we consider such principals such as ‘As above,
as below’ or the model of an Holographic Universe which suggests that
everything is a fractal of the whole such as our DNA which is one part that
contains all the information of the whole. As the Buddha said, “The entire
universe is contained in a tiny grain of sand”.

~ Evolution of Brahman is not a contradiction if one considers the Brahman of
day (which is Brahman plus the world) and the Brahman of night (which is
Brahman alone). Although Brahman alone (night) is absolutely unchanging and
untouched by the measurement of time/space, the Brahman of day is evolving
in time/space, which makes Brahman as a whole evolving itself. The whole is
the yin and the yang. The Primordial yin watches the changing yang evolve.
This itself is the evolution of the whole. Changes happen in the unchanging.

~ The path to realizing your liberation is practicing liberation. So being who
you really are is the path and the goal.

~ Being gets deeper by losing itself to watching.
1) Be -Do nothing.
2) Watch- Observe mind.
3) Practice Being.

~ The practice of looking for you basic experience.
1) Do nothing.
2) Notice your thoughts and just watch them with out following them.
3) Upon your watchful attention to your thoughts, they will disappear and
when they do, notice the gap or the silence. This empty space is Pure Naked
4) When your mind moves again, watch the thoughts until they disappear and
continue to watch the fertile void give birth to next thought. Just pay
attention to the silence and watch for the movement, as a cat would watch a
mouse hole. Repeat this a few times.
5) Look for your self in the silence or empty space between your thoughts.
Look for what your basic experience is. What you feel at your basic and core

~ The world is whole and complete as a single film cell is whole and complete.
Everything is morphed or fused together just like a single film cell. The
picture is one and whole as everything in the picture is inseparable or just
colors in shapes bleeding into other colors in shapes creating a canvas that
is covered in paint from bottom to top. The shapes of colors only give the
impression of separation but it is the paint itself that keeps everything as

~ We always have the choice of Being rather than indulging in the mind. We are
tempted to succumb to the allure of the stream of thoughts. They come as a
form a of bait and we cant help but to indulge in them because we find the
identification process to be rewarding. Thinking feels good and Being feels
scary, like dying or losing all your memories. Being or the Void feels like
you will lose your self for good and never being able to find that
personality again. We are hypnotized by the movement of the mind and all the
entertainment that it brings. We seek pleasurely distraction because we are
addicted to this movement away from ourselves. Anytime we want, we could
rest in Being but we really don’t want to, we would rather lose our selves
in mind. But it does not matter because we will eventually become sick of
the ceaseless activity of the mind and all of its distractions. Then we will
seek silence and Being more and more which means losing our selves to the
distractions of the mind less and less until we completely let go of mind
altogether and simply rest in our Eternal Being.

~ Being is our primordial nature. Before looking, one simply is.

~ Everything disappears upon close examination such as the mind, thoughts,
feelings, our identities, the stars, planets, organisms, cells, atoms,
quarks etc. Look for your self and you will find nothing, look for
thoughts, you will find nothing, look for an object and you will find

~ Awareness is the Supreme Source and Witness of everything simultaneously.
Awareness can only be aware of itself since as the totality/infinite,
nothing can exist outside of it.
No nouns, just verbs. No thinker or thoughts, just thinking.

~ Awareness can only be realized when the I dies.

~ We and everything else are mere processes or phenomena of Consciousness.

~ Promote the right side of our brains by practicing looking through our right
eyes and feeling with our right side. Our left side of the brain has been
dominant and this is the thinking or chattering side. The left and the right
comprise the One. The Duet of One.

~ Dualists speak of creation, nondualists speak of the one appearing as many.

~ Reality as a pendulum. Stillness of the pendulum is God. Movement of the
pendulum is the world or us as individuals. We can not grasp stillness
because we are movement. When we stop to grasp stillness then we are no
longer and so there is no one to grasp it. When stillness comes, we cease to
be as we are merely movement. We are the act of evolution or the swinging of
the pendulum (god). The pendulum betters itself through movement such as a
caterpillar betters itself by cocooning itself (darkness, ignorance) then
reawakening as a butterfly. In order for us to recognize Stillness, we need
to practice Stillness. So that when our bodies die, we will recognize God to
be us.

~ Subject/object are a continuum. There is no Subject and an object, there is
only Subject/object.

~ Base- All there is is Infinite Awareness.
Path- As Awareness, it is aware of all there is which is Awareness itself.
Fruit- Awareness of Awareness. Subject/object.
Ignorance is when the object or that which Awareness is Aware of is taken to
be something else other than Awareness. The ‘I’ is created by the illusory
split created by ignorance.

~ God is Awareness of Awareness. So, when it is said that you lose god, what
you are actually losing is Awareness of Awareness. That is why to find god,
you must merely be a witness. Watch the watcher and keep backing up your
attention until you become the most fundamental backdrop to everything. We
have forgotten who we really are so we must look for our selves. Abide in
Presence. Tend to Am ness.

~ The ultimate irony is that when ‘I’ reach the end of the spiritual path, it
turns out that all that ‘I’ need to do to is merely drop the ‘I’ and only
God will remain. So, it is the ‘I’ that seeks the Truth but the Truth can
only be revealed when the ‘I’ dies.

~ This is where I find my self now. Like a deer caught in the headlights of
that which it was pursuiting. I find my self staring into the Infinite
realizing the truth that all that is left for me to do is to simply die. As
long as ‘I’ am, realization can not be. Which will it be?

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