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Friday October 10th 2003, 10:35 am
Filed under: General
Written By:


Today was the first day of my experiment with deliberately engaging in
Being. I have gone through some shifts in my life but they have always come
from outside and have therefore never been deliberate. Last year was the
first time that one of these more major shifts came with out the outside
assistance of Hemi-sync, salvia or some fluke associated with a powerful
meditation. But this year I think that the lesson may be in actually
instigating a powerful wave my self with out any outside help. Every year
has been more profound than the one before ever since I went to TMI in the
early spring of 1999 so I suspected that this year was going to be intense
if it was to approach or exceed the exceptionally profound year that I had
last year. I actually started this experiment the first of May and was very
successful for the first week but then we went to Maryland for a weekend and
my life has been so hectic since then that I never picked it up again until
now. Before I go any further, I should bring this journal up to date.

February marked the beginning of what was to become a deep inquiry into my
true nature. By April, I had developed a new life practice and naturally
became very attracted to Silence. I had lost interest in TV and other
distractions and found my self in silent inquiry any chance I had. Every
night, I would sit in silence and just observe. I observed everything; my
self, my thoughts, my sensory perception, the world before me, the eternal
Now, anything that was available to me I examined. I figured that I should
be able to see the truth from where I was at that moment. I knew that I didn’t
have to look any further than where I always was, so I just inquired into
‘what is’. This was very fun and I found myself getting those wonderful
insights that I will detail later. This inquiry must have peaked when I
decided that this year, I would for the first time, actually engage or bring
about one of those major shifts that have been coming to me about once a
year now.

So, on May 1st, I committed my self to staying present in Being, which
meant that I agreed to abstain from indulging in the painful yet alluring
trappings of the mind. For a long time now, I knew that I had to drop this
addiction to thinking and just Be. But it is very hard to do because it
feels like death. For all intents and purposes, it is death, but it is only
the death of the ego. So, I committed my self to practicing Being just as
Maharaj and Maharshi did and I looked to them as they exemplified the
courage and the earnestness to journey on the path of Self-inquiry. The
first day was very rough as I found my mind to be a churning cesspool that
seemed to have a life of its own. My mind could not settle down and all
kinds of negative emotions were aroused as a result of my trying to tame
this wild beast. I began to loathe myself for being such a ridiculous mess,
which just compounded the negativity that came about as a result of this
practice. After a full day of staying present in that whirlwind of mind
activity, the next day brought about a relief. My mind was no longer
resistant to being watched and it was very calm compared to the day before.
It was still rough around the edges but by the time the weekend came, I felt
that I had pretty much stabilized my presence in Being. But days later we
went back to Maryland for a wedding and I lost that connection and have been see sawing in presence ever since.

Since that time, things have been pretty hectic with some wonderful rays of
light scattered through the days but nothing consistent or stable. Things
hit rock bottom in June when our land lord jerked us around which ruined our chances of getting the new place that we wanted and now we were faced with having to move out with no place to go. But that wasn’t all the bad news.
Shortly after, I started getting hit with bad money karma. In the course of
two days, I found out that UVA was going to start taking three hundred bucks
out each paycheck until I paid them the thousand dollars that I owed them
for my surgery, the school loan that I had been ignoring for years told me
that they would start docking my paychecks if I didn’t start paying them
back and to add insult to injury, that night I get a speeding ticket for a
hundred and fifty bucks on the way to Maryland for another hectic weekend
with the family. The month of June was filled with bad news, financial
disasters and a hectic social calendar. This was not the summer of peace
that I had anticipated. It was obvious that this was a month of settling all
karma before I could go on to the next phase. I had to remain calm in the
face of all this adversity but it was pretty tough. For the most part I felt
a genuine calm in the center of the brewing storm, which was my life
situation, but there were times that I felt very vulnerable and weak. All of
these problems are still there but I realize that I am simply the space for
these problems and I see this as an opportunity to demonstrate my true
surrendering to things as they are. It is this time of uncertainty that I
have found a better appreciation for my over all situation and my intense
gratefulness that I have come upon the Dharma.

So this takes me to today. I have been practicing formal sitting meditation
and exercising for two weeks now. I even started playing the guitar again. I
am ready to dedicate my self completely to my practice and that is why I
have chosen today as the day to update this journal. I am beginning a new
chapter in my life so I wanted to let the old chapter go by putting it down
on paper. The paper will remember it so I don’t have to. I have much more to
write about, as this has been a very deep time for me. There have been many
insights that have come through during some wonderful times and many other insights have also come out of some pretty threatening times. It has all
been very good for me even if some of it has been undesirable. The
realizations that have come about recently give me much to be grateful for
and I will document some of these realizations in my next entry.

Today is the first day of my commitment to being present. I will practice
presence as if I am digging my self out of a concrete prison with nothing
more than a spoon. Every day, I will spend every available moment widdling
away at the wall that serves as a barrier to the final liberation that is
awaiting me. The way I look at it is that I just have a very bad habit,
which is thinking, and I just need to have the courage and the earnestness
to break this habit. To just Be. No boundaries, no borders, no obstacles and
no problems. Just This!

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