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Tuesday November 11th 2003, 3:03 am
Filed under: General
Written By:



I cant begin to explain what has been happening today, this week, this month,
this year and actually the last few years. But as of today approximately
7:00 am, I am fully Realized. And after a couple hours, I thought of you,
Michael E., Darrell and Ted and I realized that all of you are also Realized
whether you believe/know/accept/realize/understand it or not. I know Darrell
wont believe me (we can talk off list) but I wouldn’t be surprised if Ted
already realizes this because it was a phone conversation with him late
sunday that preceded this Realization. I want to say this to you all right
here and right now as this is the only place that I know all of you read.

All of you are familiar with my report last year when I was playing my
guitar and something told me to look behind me and when I did, I Saw in 360
degrees. Seeing in 360 degrees revealed Salviaspace or the Void behind me
and the everyday world in front of me appearing on a screen. I say it
appeared flat but my memory also tells me that it was also a hologram
thereby giving it the appearance of depth. OK, after that, I was so fucking
fanatical that I wanted to alert the world at what I had discovered. I
couldn’t as something had died upon that Realization. It took several months
before I even wrote about it which was on one of the salvia lists when
someone wanted to know if you could experience salvia space with out salvia.

OK, after that, I thought that I was Enlightened and ironically, it was
this thought that made me ignorant of the actual Realization. I now know for
a fuckin’ fact that we are all Enlightened and that there is no such thing
as Enlightenment in the usual sense of the word as it usually refers to
particulars. (this particular person, this particular experience etc.) The
ignorance that still remained was the fact that I thought that ‘I’ was
Enlightened and that this was something special or exotic. So, when the
Bliss from my Realization (which was still true despite my added sense of
‘doership’) naturally waned over the year, I thought that I had lost my
sense of enlightenment because my idea of enlightenment was based on and
therefore reliant upon this exotic and special state of Being. I spent the
last year deepening my understanding of the Final and Ultimate Truth and
this was based on what you are also fascinated with which is why I am
inspired to write to you.

But this whole time, I was still making the slightest and simplest
error and this tiny little mistake resulted in the huge gulf between what I
understood to be true and what IS actually the TRUTH. The Ultimate Truth is
what I wrote before, which is that All There Is Is Awareness and the path of
Truth is simply deepening that understanding. I have had this understanding
for about a year now but I was still always working towards deepening my
understanding of it. The reason I was still working on deepening my
understanding was because of that one slight error that I made. That one
slight error spelled the difference between my understanding and that of the
Realized mystics such as Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj. The
Realized know that “I AM THAT”. I thought that I knew this to be true but I
also thought that I didn’t realize it fully yet because I didn’t think that
I was like them. I thought that something wonderful would happen and I would
actually change to something else as a result of the final Realization. That
is why I have been obsessing over death since this lat year or so. I thought
that I was about to die and something else was going to be born in my place
and this scared the living fuck out of me as I did not want to die yet.

Michael E. hit the nail on the head on the iamshaman list when i talked
about the “suicide mission”. He said that I was waiting for a ‘when’ and
that was absolutely the case. I have been anticipating something else. Not
exactly sure of what but you can be sure that it was centered around a death
or something else exotic like fireworks, mystical explosions, ecstatic union
with the Infinite or anything else like the “mystical experiences” that I
have had in my past. I have been working on the understanding for maybe a
year, maybe longer and I finally really got it not too long ago which
completely relates to what you (eric) are also obsessed with at the time. As
soon as I got it, I got a book which is an ancient mystical text and it said
the exact same fucking thing. It was so right on that I still have only read
the first chapter (and have flipped around). This was almost too much to
bear. This was not a story or a movie or a psychedelic trip, this was
actually happening. It really felt like I wrote that ancient scripture and
that I had been writing it for many months. It was literally and very
specifically exactly what I wrote.

It was right after this that I wrote a huge flurry of countless pages
to the iamshaman forum because I thought that I was about to die (not
physically) and I had to get all this out. It is ironic because I got
everything out of my system except for that very Truth that I gotthenfound
in that ancient scripture (‘Ashtavakra Gita.’ ) and it is the same Truth
that you (eric) are flirting with right now. Even last night, I thought to
my self, “all I have to do is write that one last thing and I will be free”.
I was planning on writing this today as it relates to what you are speaking
of here on the Sagewise list but before I could even get it out, this
morning at 7:00 am, a full Realization descended upon me. The following is
the best I can do with words. It will be just that but I think that I can
express it in a way that will point you to the realization that you are
already Enlightened whether you Realize it or not.

I had just got home from work and sat out on my back deck for a smoke
when my daughter came out and sat in my lap. I looked at her while she was
talking to me and started to contemplate how she is also me. That she is the
same divinity that I am. (I already understood that there is only one
Subject and that I am that Subject but in retrospect, I did not
accept/believe this as I was still waiting for the final blow so I would
REALLY know it like the Sages that I held in higher esteem than my self.)
But this time when I pulled on the lions tail, the whole lion showed itself.

I had looked at people countless times being mystified that they were
actually me and I really thought I knew this to be true but this time, I saw
figuratively, not poetically, not understood to be true but LITERALLY AND
RIGHT NOW. I could actually feel ME behind the appearance of Sabrina. The
experience behind that phenomena that I call Sabrina is happening to ME. My
wife’s experience is happening to ME. I saw that I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT
EXISTS. EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME. Not some divinity that I will realize one
day in the future but this very Presence that I have taken to be marc is
LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY “THAT I AM”. I immediately got an image of looking
at a diamond and Seeing through all of it’s many facets at the same time.
Marc was one facet, Sabrina was another, my wife another, so on and so on.
But behind all this phenomena is only I. It is all happening simultaneously
to the same Subject which is I.

The feeling that I got when I recognized that I Am That was one of
intense and existential Loneliness. I truly am the only One that exists. But
this feeling quickly turned to profound joy when I looked at my daughter and
I realized she (I) did not know that I (marc) was actually her (I). I was
not privy to my own thoughts and feelings behind her appearance and so I
could play with my self as two. I was not lonely anymore because I had me as
an infinite expression in phenomena. Not only am I behind every body that
appears but I am also behind every thing that arises in Me, the Infinite.
(ironic that apparent separation is the cure for loneliness as the One)

I thought of salvia sometime after this, particularly this image that
I have of a gingerbread neighborhood and I am that gingerbread itself. The
gingerbread itself is Awareness and I am all of the gingerbread at the same
time whether it is formed as gingerbread people or gingerbread houses. It is
the ultimate game of hide and seek as the seeker can never find the sought
as the sought is everywhere and therefore nowhere in particular. Because the
seeker looks in specific places no matter how great, he shall never find the
sought as its ‘everywhereness’ alludes him at every turn.

I cannot emphasize enough to the reader that who you are RIGHT NOW is
all there is. You truly are the only Subject. All experiences are happening
to the same Subject which is you, literally and actually. If, any of you are
familiar with my past writings, I was always emphasizing who you “REALLY”
are. That who you “REALLY” are is the Infinite. Well, that is the tiny error
that I have been making this whole time. Referring to who I ‘really’ am is
what created that one-degree of separation. That perspective or
understanding leads one to say things like, “Right now, what I am is an
idiot that thinks he is marc, but who I really am is God.” That was my
error. Right NOW, I AM actually and literally THAT. Not someday I will
realize it but right now, my Being, my Presence, my Awareness is THAT I AM.
I am literally and actually right NOW behind every Eye. I am the only I.
This is still pretty overwhelming to write but I do not feel lonely anymore.

In retrospect, this has been approaching for a while now. I had just
commented to (someone on list) on Sunday that the teachings are horribly
misleading because they impose that subtle barrier that I had imposed on my
self. When you hear expressions in Zen etc. such as “it is like riding on
the mule looking for the mule” or “the beggar unknowingly sitting on a bag
of gold”, they are misleading you because the truth is not that you are
sitting on the gold or riding the mule but that you are actually the gold or
mule ITSELF looking for you. That subtle error on my part has been my
ignorance for the last year. But even when I said it to (listmember), I only
said it because I felt it to be true, I understood it to be true on a very
deep intuitive level but I still failed to recognize that Right Now, I am
literally and actually That which I was seeking. The sentience which is I
is the only I. It is the I behind all eyes.

Another example of how this tiny error makes all the difference in the
world. Listmember was trying to demonstrate to me that there was only One I.
So he had me close my eyes, enter Silence and recognize that my Silence was
the same exact Silence and Presence of every body everywhere. I dint tell
him this but I had already shown many people this exact demonstration my
self after encountering Douglas Harding’s teachings but my impression from
the exercise was that on a deeper level, the level of absolute silence, we
all are One but other than that I still thought of my self as “an individual
who knew he was actually not an individual”. That was my error. I am not an
individual at all. I am literally and actually “That I Am” RIGHT NOW. I have
never been an individual and you dear reader have never been an individual.
What is behind your appearance is the same Being that is behind my
appearance. Who your experience happens to is the same Being that my
experience happens to.

Tonight when I came in to work, I nearly broke down in tears when the
patient walked into the sleep lab and I knew that I was him. To know that
his experience was happening to me. I could feel me behind him and it
freaked me out, as he was the first person I came in contact with since my
Realization this morning. All I want to do now is to make people happy, as I
know that they are me. I am literally and actually the only One that
experiences every thing. How could I ever not love anyone with all my heart
when I know that I am behind their appearance? I keep getting images of this
as I write right now and the image that I get reminds me sooo much of
salvia. It’s an image where everything just smears into everything else,
like all of manifestation is fused together and flattened out as one
continuous stream of phenomena.

The funny part is that I actually got all this before but I always
added that one degree of separation. For example, when I got back from the
Monroe Institute, I had an experience where I spontaneously popped back
behind my body and I got a vision that obscured what was my kitchen. The
vision was an Ocean of Awareness and I knew automatically that this was the
Infinite or God. The Ocean of Awareness then revealed the infinite drops in
itself that I knew to be us as individuals. I could see the Ocean as itself,
whole and complete and simultaneously see the infinite drops in the Ocean,
which could be taken to be separated or a fragmentation of the whole. I knew
at once that the Universe/God was dreaming an infinite number of dreams
simultaneously and as this realization settled in, I literally felt like I
was fading away (floating up actually) as I remembered that I was actually
just dreaming all of this. Needless to say, it scared the shit out of me and
I fought to stay here for my wife and daughter. But even this, I eventually
chalked up to an experience of ‘marc’ and that one day, I would wake up to
something else. But now I know that THIS IS IT. There is nothing to wake up
to as YOU ARE ALREADY ENLIGHTENED. You are already “THAT I AM”. There is
nothing else to wake up as YOU are already IT, and RIGHT NOW!!!

One last example of my previous ignorance caused by that tiny little
error. When I was talking to listmember on Sunday, he said that the world IS
the Noumenal. I thought that I got it when he said it but now I know that I
did not truly believe it or accept it or maybe I didn’t even understand it.
I had always understood that All was the Noumenal but I made the mistake of
thinking that the Noumenal expressed itself “AS” the phenomenal and that
slight mistake of “AS” is all that is necessary for that one degree of
separation. Now I See that phenomena actually IS the Noumenal. This IS
IT!!! We are in Heaven RIGHT NOW!!! There is nothing but Heaven.

I am not sure if listmember realizes this or not but he is Enlightened
and if he thinks that he is not completely realized then just know that THIS
IS IT. There is nothing to seek, no problem to solve and nothing to do. What
you are experiencing is IT. What everyone is experiencing is IT. RIGHT HERE
AND RIGHT NOW is what IS. I thought about Eric and how much he reminds me of
my self, especially his trip reports. Then it occurred to me that he may
enjoy seeking for the sake of seeking and if that is the case then he will
continue to seek no matter what I say. But if you are seeking to find, that
is, if seeking is the means to the end then YOU ARE ALREADY AT THE END as
you have never left in the first place. You are just so fuckin’ clever that
you managed to hide in a room where there is nothing but you. Mike, you seem
to enjoy being of contrary opinion so I expect you to find disagreement with
me somewhere. But by virtue of the fact that you wrote this. “I think I was
all of it. I was the character in that play. I was the actor on that stage.
I was the audience observing (AND CREATING) that play. And I was someone –
something else – watching ALL of it in it’s whole. The experience was bone
chilling scary, as Ab suddenly realized what was really going on.
Exhilarating, as the actor was able to recall that it’s only a play.
Shocking, as that audience member, wondering how Ab was able to figure IT
(the secret, or joke) out this time. And humorous, as that ‘other’ entity,
that is observing everything in it’s entirety.” Everything that I wrote should not surprise you. If you really got what you wrote then all that is left is to live from that Truth. And Darrell, I
have talked with you enough to know that you surely must recognize this to
be true but you may not fully accept it as the Truth for the same reason
that I didn’t which is “yea, but.”

OK, that is all I can say about that right now and I didn’t even
respond to Eric’s question/comment about the bending mirror and the
implications of “invaginate”. It’s funny because that is all I ever wanted
to talk about and now that I finally have an interested party, I could care
less about that. I have been obsessed with this for about a year and I can’t
even relate to caring about it now so I will be very brief. I was always
obsessed about how there is something rather than nothing. Not creation,
creation is for dualists. Not first cause, cause is for dualists. Not the
big bang, big bang is just a modern day version of the world being propped
up by turtles who are also propped up by turtles so on and so on. What I
mean to say is that the big bang only avoids the question. What banged in
the first place and how did THAT come to be? It ignores the question of how
is there something rather than nothing and it seems to me that by default
there should be nothing. So, for me the question is not what created us but
how does the One appear as many as that speaks to the timeless nature of the
Universe. No beginning and no end, no plan or purpose. All these things can
only be considered in duality.

So, this is how I came up with the image of the folded mirror. This is
one of the many images or symbols that came to me as I contemplated the One
appearing as many. The mirror representing the ‘One and only’ would have to
reflect and be aware of itself as it is all there is. But there would have
to be a differentiation or at least the appearance of one so that the mirror
would have some-thing to reflect and this one thing is the fold or crease
from the bending of the mirror itself. Imagine an infinite mirror that is by
its nature reflective and clear. Imagine that it is Awarenessitself but
there is nothing to be aware OF as it is all that is. But if it were to
simply fold or invaginate than it would face itself as a result of this
indentation. Now you have Awareness of Awareness. The duet of One. This is
exactly the Truth that I came to some weeks ago just before I read about it
in that book I mentioned. This is how the One appears as many.

All there is is Awareness. So, what Is, is Infinite Awareness. As the
nature of Infinite Awareness is to be Aware, it is Aware of All. Because the
nature of Infinite Awareness is to be infinite, total and complete, it can
only be Aware of itself as it is ‘All There Is’. The result is Awareness of
Awareness. It is the ‘OF’ that makes duality where there truly is none.
Awareness Of Awareness implies a subject/object dichotomy where there is
none. It is clearly evident that the Subject actually IS the object. I AM
THAT. Atman is Brahman. The dreamer is the dreamed so on and so forth. There
is nothing other than Awareness. The fold is what makes Awareness aware of
itself but nevertheless there is still only Awareness. What is one of the
main characteristics of salvia? She unfolds you. She shows you what you are
when you do not make subject/object. She shows you your nondual nature.

But, you know what? Who cares? All of this is removing the reader from
the fact that he already is THAT. What you are RIGHT NOW is the ONE AND ONLY
I. Your I is my I. I was watching the wisdom channel one day and some guy
was giving a talk to a group and he said that “there is only one of us in
the room”. I wish guys like that would stress that this is a LITERAL and
ACTUAL fact. Not something that will be realized one day, but right here and
RIGHT NOW, you are already “THAT I AM”. Who you already are, right at this
very moment is the only I there is. You don’t have to work to become
realized, you don’t have to DO anything. Who you already are right at this
very moment IS that which you seek. So when Ramana Maharshi assured us that
it (Brahman) is truly closer to us than our very own breath, he wasn’t
kidding. I am now done with these discussion groups, not as a choice or a
plan but there is simply nothing else to say. Take what I say for what it’s
worth. For these words appear IN YOU. ……

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