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Wednesday November 05th 2003, 1:54 am
Filed under: General
Written By:



I just got the most startling realization a few weeks ago. Some of you may
have noticed that in my writings, the subject of dying has been a common
motif. Well, this is a result of the realization that I am about to share
with this group. I have come to understand in the deepest sense that this
whole spiritual journey is nothing less than a suicide mission. The fact
that it is a suicide mission may seem disturbing enough but this is
compounded by the fact that the mission seems to happen with no volition of
our own. In other words, it appears that we are not entities at all but
merely a functioning in Awareness that reminds me of a psychological
mechanism that is always in the process of ‘winding down’ or unraveling
until nothing remains except Awareness.
As our egos develop, we begin a search for pleasure or entertainment. We
start out (as egos) getting pleasure out of simply eating and being
sheltered and then work our way up through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,
seeking love and acceptance from others and of our self and then finally
self-actualization. It is at this point that our pleasure or entertainment
comes via the spiritual path. So, even the spiritual path becomes part of
the ego’s game. It has wound down enough that it no longer gets the same
pleasure that the previous stages once provided then this feeling that
‘something is missing’ naturally brings it to what it considers to be the
ultimate reward which is the spiritual path.
This may sound gloomy but it is actually perfect as you are just giving the
ego more rope to hang itself. You see, once you get to the end of the
spiritual path, it becomes all about transcending the ego. Now the ego,
insanely enough, will even try to make this its own but I just discovered
that there is a point in which all is understood, thereby exposing the ego
for the farce that it is or rather revealing it to a mere functioning of the
Since this discovery, I have found my self in a very precarious position.
Having understood very clearly that all there is is Awareness to such a
degree that ‘marc’ is exposed as being fraudulent, I realize that I, as
‘marc’, has to die and what’s worse is that I have to be the one to pull the
proverbial trigger. This is now being demanded of me but I came to realize
that I do not want to go away right now and that should be expected, as this
is the nature of ego. Some days I feel like the movie has ended but I am
just refusing to leave the theatre. That is why I have been writing so much
while at work. I feel that if ‘I’, as ego, just gets this out of my system
then I can make that final cut.
Its really tough though because when I approach that place, I always get the
fear that I will leave some babbling invalid for my wife to take care of. I
think that this may actually be the case but only for a while. Once I die
and get out of the way then this new life will be born and get adjusted to
the mind/body organism. I feel a lot better about this since Bodhisat sent
us that Rumi quote about ‘something new being born’. Before that, I didn’t
know how to interpret that feeling that I was going to disappear and leave
some ‘nothing’ for my family to deal with. But that quote expressed what I
had been going through so perfectly. “Once you have undergone the
annihilation.. At that moment, an entirely new being is born..” That is why
I felt like I was going to leave behind a “babbling invalid” or a “nothing”.
That is how my ego interpreted a new being or a ‘baby’ being born in ‘my’
I ‘m still not completely of the hook. I also have a six-year-old daughter
that I am very very attached to. I am also attached to my wife but I don’t
have that added dimension of being her caretaker. On a certain level I
realize that I have to surrender my daughters fate to the Infinite but that
is very much easier said than done. I have come to terms with the fact that
the one thing that I cannot let go of is my daughter. I know she is not
actually my daughter but she does a damn good job convincing me that we are
two. And I say enlightenment be damned, I would do anything for her.
I have contemplated what I would do if we die together. Do I do as the
masters teach which is to recognize all visions as projections from my own
mind, which is Buddha’s Mind and just let everything go. No, I have actually
decided that if we die together, than I would use my ignorance and retain
enough of my individual awareness to meet up with the energy that I take to
be her and make sure she makes it all right. (Before I got too deep into the
nondual teachings, I was really into the Monroe Institute and I learned how
to do all that OBE and soul retrieval stuff) Who knows, maybe if we do die
together, I will get so caught up in the Infinite, that the very recognition
of who I really am will negate any plans that I had as ‘me’.
So, this is where I am right now. I know that ‘I’ must go, to allow for That
which is pushing through but “I’ doesn’t want to go so quick. It is still
dumbstruck by the shock of realization. The fact that the ‘I’ has been
revealed, exposed and completely emasculated makes it very obvious that the
damage has already been done and the ego has actually been very quiet since
this understanding. It’s like ego was chasing the ultimate Truth or
understanding so it could have it or possess it but when it finally caught
up to it, it turned out that it cant EXPERIENCE Truth, it can only BE Truth.
But being Truth necessarily entails that ego dies, so it is a bit like music
seeking its whole life to hear absolute silence. Now imagine the look on
music’s face when it finally finds itself descending into the much sought
after silence. I can picture it now.
” ahh finally.. this is going to be great… hmmmm…. oh crap…. but
I thought… oh, I SEE.. –gulp– ..

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