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9-10-02
Thursday April 01st 2004, 11:38 pm
Filed under: General
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9-10-02

(This is an excerpt from my personal journal the day after the previous blog)

The next day started out much the same. The Joy that I have been describing is the deep appreciation for Being while knowing that I am not. I had settled very deeply into the Witness which can be described as being the No-thing for Every-thing. Here as the Witness, I am the Space for everything including the world and its all of it’s many processes such as identification. It was around 5pm and we were preparing dinner with our daughter helping us in the kitchen. I had turned to give my wife a hug and as I was hugging her, I heard a loud crash. My daughter had tried to lift a pot of boiling water and she fell to the floor with the pot of boiling water spilling all over her. She was screaming, my wife was screaming so I knew that I had to act as opposed re-act. All I could think was, she is in pain, but we can cut down on unnecessary suffering if we remain calm. I wasn’t sure if the burn was so bad to justify a trip to the emergency room so I called some Urgent Care facilities as I thought they could treat her quicker. We rushed in the car but did not make it in time so we tried the pharmacy that was nearby. As we were walking to the pharmacy, I saw that my daughters eye looked very bad. It had burned off a layer of skin and the whole area was bright red. At this point we knew that she had to be taken to the emergency room.
We live near UVA which is a top hospital so they brought in the whole burn team immediately. After she saw the attending doctor, she saw a plastic surgeon and an ophthalmologist. We must have been there for four hours while she was getting checked out. This whole time, I was living from the Witness or the Void. Not by choice, but because this is all that remains. I took notice of this though out the ordeal and the whole thing was Seen through such sober eyes. I cried but I was also the Witness or the Space for the sadness. I got angry but the anger didn’t last under the sober eyes of the Witness. Amazingly, I also accepted everything as this was now the ‘what is’. This was also the perfect unfolding of Reality. Sometimes, it even seemed surreal, as if I was watching a movie (which is my life) and this is the part where everything turns to shit to see how attached I am to that role and everything involved. I found that I was attached enough to be in pain but unattached enough that I never lost my Presence in Awareness through out the whole ordeal. In the end, they told us that the burns on her arm and stomache were second degree burns and should heal as well as a good sunburn. The ones on her eye, they were not so certain of. They were afraid of scarring which would cause her eye to sag and maybe even demand surgery. So, we were to follow up with appointments with the plastic surgeon.
We told our daughter that everything would heal perfectly and we agreed to assume this for our selves. We didn’t tell anybody as we wanted to be as positive about this as possible until something was known by the doctors. Staying positive proved to be difficult as I had to be at work the next day and being away from her was very hard. The first couple days were Ok as I was pretty stunned by recent events but on Wednesday night, I was feeling a pretty deep pain and this brought about discursive thinking which I had not been accustomed to. Guilt started coming in, resistance started to build and I didn’t even care to be present for it. I began to think that I was being tested and that this was like the story of Jobe. I thought my daughter was going to be scarred for life and this would always be a reminder of my negligence. I didn’t want to do anything but wallow in my pain. Occasionally, I would stop to see if I could still remain Present in Awareness and I found that I could. This didn’t matter because while being Present, I felt Bliss or nothing at all but I didn’t want to abide in that place. I really wanted to suffer. I felt attracted to this suffering, to this resistance of ‘what is’. This pain resulted in me getting a head cold the next day and I spent my last day at work getting sicker.
It was then Friday so I was off for the weekend and I was really looking forward to spending time with my daughter. The dumbness that comes from a head cold sent me right back to where I was before I started indulging in suffering and resistance. I spent the day with my daughter which made me feel very good and after she went to bed I sat out on my back porch reflecting on how much resistance I had been putting up the last couple days. Immediately, I allowed for all that past resistance and it was like it never existed in the first place. I was immediately aware that the Bliss had never left in the first place. It was only ignored so that I could focus on my story or my circumstances. It was absolutely magical. I realized that you can fuck up your whole life but if you unconditionally accept everything with all of your heart then everything is immediately replaced with Love. Soon after this realization, I thought of my daughter again and the pain was still there. I knew that I had to allow for this pain so I decided to go inside the house so I could settle down for a serious session with this pain.
I was reminded of something Nisargadatta Maharaj said about pain. He said that pain is Awareness trying to express itself or something to the effect of Awareness is always expanding and that we resist this expansion. So, I layed on the couch and went very deeply into my pain. I looked for it and welcomed it to express itself as intensely as it wanted. Actually, I was really looking forward to experiencing some deep pain. I wanted nothing more than to feel the pain that I knew was there. The very act of allowing for the pain was immediately liberating and the pain became joy. As I allowed for the pain to express itself, I actually saw it (eyes closed) rising up out of my heart like a wave form and I felt like I was on a drug hallucinating all of this. As the pain (wave form) rose up, joy filled my heart and as it peaked, I shouted (nonverbally) “She is Healed”, picturing her with a healthy face. I went back to look for more pain and repeated this process four or more times until there was no more pain to be found. I knew at once that I had discovered something amazing. Nisargadatta Maharaj was right. Pain is just our resistance to the expansion of Awareness. Awareness is impersonal and it’s nature is to expand. Allowing for this expansion manifests as Bliss and resisting this expansion manifests as suffering.
The very next day her scab had lifted a little under her eye and what we saw underneath looked very healthy. I knew at that moment that she was healed and even if she wasn’t, I took comfort that what ever she was to suffer, it would only be my suffering as we shared the same ‘I’. The following day, we were playing rough on the couch and a big piece of the scab fell off to reveal healthy and flat skin. My wife saw it and was amazed. She said that the doctors were going to be shocked that it healed so well and so fast. They told us that the skin may bubble up if the contusion was deep and this would cause all kinds of complications. But her skin looked so well that my wife wondered if we still need to bother with the follow up this Tuesday with the plastic surgeon. We will still go for the sake of following up but today when she got home, the rest of her scab was gone and everything healed perfectly. Words can not express just how much I appreciate my daughters existence and all the joy her companionship brings me.
It has dawned on me what all this is about. It’s not about enlightenenment, awakening, liberation or anything like that. Life is simply about allowing. To be allowing of everything is to already rest in peace. The Spiritual path is about a new relationship to Life. To live as an Open channel so that Life could freely move through you. To be Open is to be Loving. To be Loving is to be Allowing. The Joy that has been expressing itself through me these last three weeks was nothing more than the expansion of impersonal Awareness. The Bliss is sure to pass as all things come to pass but these various states of being are not what we are anyway. What we are is the Witness of these various states. We are the Space for Bliss, we are the Space for suffering. To be the Witness is to be Love. To be Love is to be Open. The perfect expression of our true nature is to be nothing more than the allowing of ‘What is’.


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