As the Holiday Season comes upon us and we think of all we are blessed with, we should realize we have more to be thankful for than ever. Normally at this time of year we’d be celebrating just one immaculate conception: that of Jesus Christ. But this year, we get to celebrate not only Baby Jesus, but Baby Cruise as well.

For it would indeed be a Divine Miracle if Katie Holmes had a healthy, human baby. You may have heard that Tom Cruise has become something of a black market physician with his quasi-legal purchase and use of a sonogram machine. What, prey tell, would an unlicensed lay-person do with a highly sophisticated, extremely expensive piece of medical equipment like that? Besides, of course, donate it to charity after he’s done?

I have two theories. My first theory is the happy one. I imagine Tom and Katie punch drunk late at night, romping around their Versace-sheeted bed, laughing as they take turns sonogramming the teddy bear Katie has shoved under her shirt. In this happy scenario, no one is having a baby except the media, the sonogram machine is a convenient way to avoid any medical record of the pregnancy, and Tom and Katie are laughing uproariously because on the sonogram printouts they can just make out the wads of cash and strands of jewels they’ve stuffed into the teddy. Presumably they’ve done this to try and hide a bit from the Scientologists.

My second theory is a bit more unpleasant, and a bit less plausible. It goes like this: Tom is sick of being under the thumb of Scientology. His insecurity over being short has lead him to believe that if he were just a little taller (but no more handsome, for indeed, how could he be?) he would be free of the shackles that unjustly bind his huge-box-office-smash-hit ankles. Late at night, after Katie is asleep, as the falling rain and roaring thunder work to cover any sound he might make, he secrets next to her, cranks the machine to 11, and gives her dose after massive dose of sonogram waves, hoping beyond hope that he will create the first of a new race of Super Mutant Cruises, at least 4 inches taller than himself. Why, if his knee-quivering good looks were combined with awe-inspiring height, he would be unstoppable!

OK, maybe none of this is true, but it still makes a lot more sense to me than anything L. Ron Hubbard ever wrote.